Leaving You
by na-chan00
Summary: There is nothing that hurts more than your indifference. I can't bear to love you any longer. I am leaving you. I hope you feel something after that. Oneshot.


Disclaimer: Katekyo Hitman Reborn belongs to Amano Akira.

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Oneshot: Leaving You

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Lambo

Every time you left, you took a shard of my being with you. Your arrogance and your pride abandoned me to my ridicule and while time passes over and over again, this pain you so purposefully induced in me never goes away.

What hurts most, beyond your reckless and evil attitude, is the miserable undeniable fact that I love you. That there is no other emotion reining my memory of you as strongly and wholly as this. I love you so much it wears me down, and you just wreck me to bits each and every time we meet. You taint me with your touch, you savage me with your words and you break me apart with your truths. Truths I want to believe are lies.

It's inconceivable that I can still love you after all you've put me through, after cheating on me countless and relentless times, not that you consider it cheating because to you I'm a mere toy. Someone who you can rape and violate as much as you please because you know you can, and though you perceive I might possibly mildly love you, you take advantage of that nonetheless. You pound your whole being into me, regardless of any objections I may have. You make me cry as much as you can, even when you're not here, even when you're not lavishing me with painful caresses I wish were meaningful.

I wonder when we started this. When all this torment and humiliation began and why, why I always, _always_ complied with it. I blame it all on you. I blame your existence for everything Reborn.

Everything about you flares my thoughts, seeing your face unleashes things in me I wish were locked up. Loving you could be the same as hating you, but I will never know because you robbed me of myself. You took away my freedom. You stole it slowly, subtly, piece by piece. Ingeniously, you tore my heart in millions of shards and had your way with them. You stabbed me with the sharpest, you betrayed me just like I knew you would. I did not expect any better from a hitman like you. I did not predict any kind of attachment. I did not want anything from you but a rivalry. And that's how it was at first. I wanted to triumph over you, win over you, but you beat me to it. You ruthlessly won me first and, for all I care, I do not regret it.

As you keep hurting and piercing me with your superiority, I keep longing and despising you in a spiral never-ending. I wait endlessly for you.

However, I have begun to wonder. Why don't I stop? Why, in all these years, did I never stop waiting? I'm growing tired and I'm going weak. I may submit to you but I don't want to fear you, I would not be able to live with myself if I did.

So today I decided. I will leave you. Not because I have stopped loving you, which you could care less about, but because my love for you has become a burden too hard to bear. I can't look at my face in the mirror anymore. I cannot walk another step on the street knowing that there's a person somewhere moaning pleasurably because of you. That there is someone out there taking my place beneath you, that I'm being replaced time and time again without a second of doubt, without a bit of resentment.

At first I could accept it. I could discard you from my worries, I could easily ignore all that you were behind my back, but you wouldn't let me. You would not allow such neglect. You just could not take my indifference and had to engrave yourself in my heart. You had to deliberately make me suffer for you, think about you, become blinded by you.

You had to corrupt me with your poison.

Today I say enough. Not for you but for me. I'm taking back my liberty. I decided I won't be a prisoner to your whims anymore. I won't let you taunt me any longer. I want to test you. I want to prove to myself that I'm wrong, that leaving you will be the biggest of mistakes because you cannot bear being apart from me either. Though, my soul wavers. I don't know what you feel for me. I don't know what you want from me. I never did.

Hence, I'm saying goodbye.

"You're early stupid cow" you say as you take off your jacket. The minute you stepped inside the room my heart stopped. It imploded and sprang throughout me that outrageous warmth that your presence always requires and demands. Yes, you demand. Actually you never asked me for anything, you just demanded.

You walk towards me nonchalantly. There isn't even a smirk on your lips today and I know how utterly equal that expressionless face will stay once I announce my withdrawal. It hurts. It hurts so much. Such certainty bores spikes inside me. That raw truth erodes my soul away. My emotions naked could never move you, not even my cowardness as I leave you.

You approach me silently but I retreat, I don't let your touch me. The spark of evident indignation born in your dark onyx eyes says it all.

"What do you think you're doing stupid cow?" your voice withholds my breath and tears swallow my eyes. I want to say to you how much I love you without being mocked. I want to spat at your stupid, perfect face how I can never live without you, how I am leaving you just so you can notice me at last. But I say naught. I refuse to. I want to make you suffer just as baldly and inhumanly as you made me suffer and so I leave.

I walk past you with nothing but a cold, harsh silence that you immediately crash to shambles. Not even my attempt to ruin you is cherished. I feel my arm being twisted around as you pull me back and start demanding. Throwing those spiteful, hateful words I scorn so much. Yet, I don't reply. I don't answer or flinch at your bashful demeanour and even as you proceed to violate me further, to humiliate me to my bare skin after just hours ago you tasted such another bare nakedness, I do not falter.

You punch me and kick me and you make me bleed. However you don't know how I'm already bleeding inside. How everything you do, cuts deeply into my flesh and scars the marrow of my bones.

I'm leaving you because you don't know anything.

You don't even see me.

You don't understand me.

You pretend everything.

You deny my existence even though you claim it entirely your own.

Today I am leaving you Reborn. After I dress up and vanish behind that door, there won't be a second time. I'm officially, finally running away from you.

I am tossing my love in your face as brutally and devastatingly as I can.

But it haunts me that you fail to see it. You fail to even accept the atrocious, pitiful love you forcefully injected in me.

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Reborn

I want to laugh at your face. I want to ridicule you until you feel shame tingle your skeleton. How can you leave me? Out of all people, how can you, stupid cow, leave me? The thought itself is absurdly amusing. Your person which I tortured the most, the one I succeeded in making completely mine cannot possible have left me.

There is absolutely no way you can just withdraw like that. You will come back crying at any day and I'll punish you as if you had wounded the Devil himself. I'll teach you again and again the consequences of your actions. The enormous error it was to threaten _me_. Yes, it was a threat. It could be no more than that. It was a threat and hitmans did not fear such.

Stupid cow, you are going to have it rough. I'm not as forgiving as the regular human being. I am not weak as that.

Though, now that you left something is different. Fooling around isn't half as fun as it was, lusting after others does not feel so good. Carrying on with life does not seem so blissful anymore because there is something missing. There is no one to hurt anymore, there is no honesty left to blemish, no more true feelings to sully.

This is not supposed to happen. The hole left by your absence was not supposed to exist. Any part assembled by your existence was not supposed to fill a single gap of my heart. Although there it is, that emptiness, cold and unyielding that can't be replaced no matter how hard I try. No one can do it. No one can take that emptiness away. There is no body warmer than yours, no touch more vivid than the one of your skin touching mine, even your stupid cries and moans, I cannot but play them back over and over again in my mind. I've come to the point where I have to make it in the dark just so I can imagine it is you under me. That the hair tangled between my fingers is yours and that the face looking at me is the one that solely belongs to you, with those emerald green eyes. No one looks at me like you did and I bring the memories of that gaze back. There was always something about it that I could not figure out, a turmoil hidden behind your stare that I could not grasp.

All these feelings, all these thoughts, the unbearable amount of regret I have, floods my being and I can't even kill people anymore. I cannot kill people when the only one I want to kill is you. I want to kill you so I can have you all to myself. So I can have you back and finish you forever. So you cannot run away from me again. Afterwards I want to kill myself so I can join you after betraying your corpse, after I tarnish you in death. I want to scar you so deeply you won't be able to peacefully carry on to the next life.

You are mine, mine, mine.

And I hurt you because I can't bring myself to love you.

I don't know how I can love someone like you. Someone who certainly hates me beyond reason, reason being the thing you have most. You have all the reason in the world for hating me and still, I crave more. I break you so I can experience you. I break you because I can only do so.

However, as weeks, months, years pass and the memory of you fades away, my misery just grows more and sorer and I start to wreck myself. I'm too proud to go looking for you, to plead or to beg your return, I am even too proud to acknowledge any change that has taken place. Change that has turned me into a slave. A slave of the past, a man with nothing but a fruitless future and a crumbling present filled with regrets. Furthermore, what I despise most is to know that the reason for my denial is you.

That regardless of the pain I gave you, I allowed you give me pain in return.

Nothing disgusts me more than coming to the conclusion that I love you. In a wrong, twisted manner I love you. And I don't deserve that. I never deserved it in the first place. The biggest error of my life was taking you for granted and crushing you after. Letting you step out of that door, betraying you, and denying my feelings, lying to myself.

I'm repenting for my sins.

And as usual, I start to think about you as I walk down the lane to the apartment. Not that there's anything else on my mind lately. Not that I care about half the things I used to. All I can think about is you. How I hate you and want you. How painfully I miss you. How I would rather never have met you if it was to suffer like this in the end.

Sometimes, I feel like hitting you with all my might. I want to destroy you for making me like this. For turning me into a stupid lovefool.

I want to hurt you again so as to know I truly am alive.

"How…why…why the hell did you leave me…"

I want to cry but my suffering has dried up all my tears.

I want you back so I can be more than a hitman again. I want my bullets to pierce you. I want to erase you from my head. I need to stop this.

But I can't.

Now I am the one waiting pathetically for you.

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_Love is cruel and it could have never blossomed between these two people if it was any different. Love spoils, love brings misery, love is deceitful, dishonest, bitter and most of all, love hurts.__ However, those lost and wounded amidst it must know, for they cling to this resolution fiercely, that love is bliss. Love brings happiness, love prevails in the end._

_By endurance, by negating the urge to indulge in death, there is a reward, and it shall be granted always. _

_The day they met again was rainy. It was a day more fit to disaster than joy. But they indeed met. Their prayers, or what was left of them, were heard._

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Lambo

I could not believe my eyes when I saw you. My dormant anxiety exploded, my love began pouring out uncontrollably. I could almost watch as it leaked out of my body and escaped my tight grasp. I never expected to see you again; I had vowed to never look at your face again.

So, how come, after all my meticulous calculations and the utmost prohibition which I bestowed upon myself so I would never go running back to you, did I end up meeting you again?

I fear I will be engulfed by your soul. I'm scared that you will hurt me again.

The time passage between us didn't alter anything. I wasn't able to change. I could not love you less; I could not escape the piece of you that stayed buried deep inside me. I still love you as stupidly and ardently as ever and seeing you now, knowing how you will never return my feelings scares me. I want to run away from you again like the coward that I am. I can't possibly have my feelings denied at this point. I can't.

Your face, it is beautiful. I am overly happily that my memory and reality coincide even after all these years. Yet, there are traces and lines in your features that I do not recognise. A slant streak of emotion that is not yours, that just _can't_ be yours.

For a moment I breathe. I breathe hope like I never breathed oxygen before. I take all the assumption your expression offers me. I let my mind believe, just for a split second, that you do miss me. That you have been waiting for me. And, instantly, tears build up in the corners of my eyes. I feel so happy. But the dullness of that illusion quickly shatters my hopes and I regain control of my body.

I take two steps back and sprint away. I run from this chance meeting. I am waving this fateful encounter goodbye, even when it hurts so much to do so.

I cry, and cry and cry and it is not the rain drowning the world now. It's my never ending spree of tears that just keeps falling and falling and won't stop. In fact it will never stop unless I end my life. Unless I die. I curse myself because I can't love somebody else. I hate to love only you, I hate to love exclusively you.

I gasp when a hand grabs my shoulder.

"W-what?"

My heart is hammering so rapidly I can only hear its thundering sound deafening my ears. You turn my body around so violently I take a long time to process what's happening. I take even longer to process the fact that you're embracing me. That your arms are enveloping my confused frame.

I simply cannot comprehend what follows.

"Don't even think about leaving me again"

"..."

"Don't leave me"

The rain that is falling does not reach me.

"I love you stupid cow, I love you"

Only his words.

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Reborn

Do you hear me stupid cow? Do you really hear me? I'm holding on to you so tightly I don't feel my own body anymore. I barely have time to rationalize that you are again within my reach. I don't believe I can smell your hair, touch your face, embrace you wholly, have you all to myself again.

Perhaps this is just a dream, but I am taking it as it is. Please God don't wake me up. I never relied much on you, not even when I was about to die, but now, please, please don't wake me up. It will be the death of me if you let him run away again.

It is ridicule how all my hate, all my frustration, all my wishes of hurting you and punishing you for your withdrawal disappear as soon as I see you face. Seeing you again physically proves how much I miss you. Seeing you again twinges my heart, turns tangible all those silly emotions I was embarrassed to show you. And so, I present you with all of them. I give you my heart in exchange for your return. And I hope. I hope you will receive it.

I wait, just a little longer. I wait for your return.

I press our bodies together in the vain hope they will melt into each other. I want us to blend so we can never be separated again.

I don't know how many "I love you"'s I whisper to your ear, I can't be satisfied with any infinite number. There is absolutely nothing corporeal that can make you understand how much I have come to love you and though I still resent you for making me suffer, this unreal, magic reunion blows it all away.

How can this be? How can I love you this much? I thought I never had this kind of feeling in me. All I was ever capable of doing was killing people, coldly dismiss them, maliciously sneer at affections. And now look at me, Lambo. Laugh at me for the first time in your life, because I'm the greatest fool of all.

This blazing love I just can't get rid off...

This abnormal flame that consumes me when you're not here.

"Please stay" I repeat.

I feel your hands cling to my back and I hold my breath. Your loud, annoying sobs echo in the untouchable dome that has been erected around us. You bury your crying face in my neck and your knees soon falter. I crouch to keep supporting you. Your gaze is plastered on the floor and it angers me. I want you to look at me, to accept me, to love me as well.

I hear you mumble.

"I…I…am s-so happy"

I smirk. Actually, I cannot help but grin. How can you feel happier than me? How can you measure you love with mine? The rush of bliss that runs over my body cannot be described.

"S-so long, I've b-been waiting for those words for so long…"

I lift up your chin and hold your face in my hands. I want you so desperately I could drink all your tears.

"Stupid, stupid Lambo…"

I wished our kiss could last forever.

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AN: Well, I have owed this story to myself for a long time. I've been such a huge fan of this pairing… Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this angsty fic. R&R


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